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October 18th, 2006

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August 26th, 2006

01:39 am it all seems surreal. i just finished packing but i feel silly because its like i don’t believe im really going. i never thought id say it this summer but its hard leaving. especially leaving the continent. not like I could protect new orleans if I wanted to-- but its scary letting it go again. i cant be sure what will be left, rebuilt, or just disappear. i've strangely become accustomed to the trash, deserted homes, the daily tear downs, sirens, search lights, national guard, and of course the smell of living on pontalba. even after france I know nola will be just as beautiful to me. this summer with mal has restored me to who I am. well here I go. ready or not. i'm scared. or maybe im thrilled. it doesn’t even matter. Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: mountain goats

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August 20th, 2006

03:28 am - YES. i just got pulled over AGAIN> this time (sadly) i was graced with only one cop car... i proceeded to show him the bulb i had bought today, POP MY MOTHERFUCKIN TOP and illustrated how stupid auroras are made so that retarded teenage girls could not possibly try and fix a headlight. he told me i wasn't retarted. and to have a goodnight. Current Mood: naughty Current Music: jefferson airplane

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August 18th, 2006

08:21 am - why new orleans, why? does it really take 4 cop cars (one being the supervisor of police), two interview reports filed by a member of the national guard, and 15 fucking minutes of me standing on the side of canal street in my slightly slutty 80s night outfit to inform me that ONE OF MY HEADLIGHTS WAS OUT?!?!? motherrrrrfuckas... thank you for protecting our citizens. god bless the NOPD. Current Mood: groggy

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August 11th, 2006

10:39 am 80s night fabUlousness. met my best friend from American Apparel and shes totally going to give me 15% off now! fuck yeah romeo and juliet ce soir 1 more week of work 2 more till i freakout/die/pack/go my utter terror intensifies each day. if i am this awkward in america where i speak the language...... i cant even imagine me in france Current Mood: giddy

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August 8th, 2006

11:46 am - 19 feels so different. lemme tell ya mal gave me a certificate for a full hour--full body (head to toe) massage. JESUS LORD i may never get up... birthdays make me feel so loved. im so lucky i get to share mine. well everyone. i got my camera back fixed... that is now that i have lost my phone. i leave in like 3 weeks. i dont have a suitcase, i dont know the language, i dont have a clue what to expect (or pack). OHOLYSHITWHATWASITHINKING Current Mood: moody

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August 7th, 2006

09:49 am i couldn't be happier at this moment. im not a work... and its ma birthday. our party was perfect (what else to expect from a shurte party right?)... except i have lost my phone forever in the abyss of that ass messy apartment... well, i got to go get ready for a fun-filled day with mal... and go pick up her amazing present. ps. i wish 50 people would write on my facebook wall every morning... its awesome. Current Mood: loved Current Music: strawberry fields forever

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August 3rd, 2006

08:59 am - omaynomaynomayn im so hella nervous bout our party friday. that is one small ass apartment... and i had slippery fingers inviting too many people on facebook... if people are talking bout it-- be like "oh thats lame-- dont go" and then go. i love how THATS my brilliant plan to keep this party under control... but my bros getting me grey goose and i dont think ill be caring too much.. unless the po-po come. eeek hheeelllppp Current Mood: anxious

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July 23rd, 2006

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July 18th, 2006

11:06 am - oh my fuck. i have had a pill stuck in my throat for two days. will someone just shoot me in the neck. please. Current Mood: enraged

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July 17th, 2006

09:13 am - well. my mom insisted on giving me a credit card to build up good credit. i told her repeatedly that it was not a good idea. and yet she got it anyway. therefore, nothing is my fault. Current Mood: cold

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July 10th, 2006

11:34 pm - best weekend ever. our first roadtrip was a success.. all day beach-napping and a killah tan (well relatively speaking of course.) we met some awesome pensacola hipsters. sunday my bathing suit top broke.. and we fixed it with a key ring hah (disaster averted). and today we got mani-pedi's and free sushi! what could be betta? i also have reaffirmed my absolute need for luxury. i need to find that rich husband quick. o and PS.) i found the phone i thought i lost all weekend.. but stupidly had in a compartment in my purse... (NO NEED i feel retarded enough as it is) Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: begin to hope

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July 6th, 2006

11:05 pm - THEY TOOK BERT. MY ONLY LOVE. THEY TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME FOREVER is it sad that i really am heartbroken? Current Mood: crushed

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10:38 am - TIP: FOLLOW directions when taking stupid pills. (really). when they say don't take on an empty stomach, that means dont. the idea of death on the 3rd floor of the US federal court building's cold hard bathroom floor is a sobering thought. o yeah, and up-chucking on your lunch break sucks 2. god. my lj entries are getting so tragic... PENSACOLA FRIDAY!! JE VAIS A LA PLAGE POUR LE WEEK-END! HOTHOTHOT ps. july 4 was great. terrorist fireworks are the way 2 go. unless of course the cops come :( Current Mood: good

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July 2nd, 2006

10:15 pm - I've just been thinking a lot. No need to read. Just for my prosperity. I wish I didn’t care. I wish it doesn’t happen. I wish the threat was non-existent. How fun life would be without worries or self consciousness. I shouldn’t feel guilty about who I am. I want to stop fixing my body. It was never broken. Understanding that doesn’t change me. It feels like I never love myself for an entire day without regret, worry, and indecisiveness. The truth is I do want to look perfect every second and be confident. Then having that—be able to focus only on acting and my other passions. But it’s never a done deal. A body is wild, no control. I’m scared. If I didn’t pick this it’d be something else. For Christ sake I don’t even know how many years I have before I stop existing. Just stop. Doesn’t that scare anyone else? Sometimes when I think about it I get so utterly petrified I think I might never lose that feeling of pure horror, but eventually it fades, and I begin thinking of something else. I feel misplaced right now. I feel I’ve been misplaced forever. But when I think back on my childhood- it isn’t true. Now is just different. I’m lost. I don’t need or could even handle a guy. I want love and attention desperately though. It’s possible it could be the threat of rejection or really the unwillingness to give away my love. Because we all know what could happen then. I can’t be exposed. I’m lucky I have never experienced heartache, pain, or despair from any stupid guy. But I’ve also never cared about anyone. And deep inside, I don’t see anyone ever sacrificing to feel that way for me. I don’t feel lonely. But I see a lot of loneliness in my future. Actually I’ve never been more unsure of my future. The more I think about acting the more I’m determined to do it… and the more I see that I think I am going to fail. Why do I do that? Is something deep inside telling me that I don’t have what it takes? But in the meantime making me so passionate to do it- that it literally eats up my heart. My life so far has been nothing but a series of changes. Everyone I see again from my past tells me I look so different each time I see them. Well I feel different too. I change persons with every change in my life, and now not recognizing my past makes it hard to transition. Maybe I just want control. Maybe I’m not a true OCD, but just an innocent girl who wants utter control over her body, food, independence, mind, and talent so that when everything else evaporates—she knows she hasn’t gone with it. Current Mood: worried Current Music: bob dylan

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June 28th, 2006

10:41 pm - my lovely day. this morning i reversed where the stamps and addresses go on all my mail being the most retarded person in history. at work, i spilled my tea all over myself as it poured straight into my purse below the desk. later discovering my my beautiful digital camera ruined and making freaky noises. then dropping and breaking my phone--erasing everything i had stored in my overly organized (pushing obsessive) calender. skillfully kicked the punching bag at the gym with only my big toe. and being hungry as fuck all day did not ease the heartbreak. i think i have pms-ed my way into pure insanity. i may faint. Current Mood: guilty Current Music: neutral milk (to ease the pain)

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June 27th, 2006

10:13 pm so this morning some guy got shot in the face and mal and i couldn't turn down st charles to park for work. i dont know what to think about nola right now. the swarm of NOPD and national guard in my neighborhood makes me feel like something is always right about to "go down" and i should get the fuck outta the way. but im glad they are here. funny how i used to get nervous when i saw cop cars and now i get nervous when i dont see them. last night was the senior recitals at nocca. my recital -just one year ago- was probably the best night of my life and what does it all mean now? i never wanted to leave that stage. ms shea asked me if i was the best at evansville. i couldnt contain myself from laughing outloud. i know she was kidding but just being at nocca made me feel important again. and then it all faded away like usual. everyone tells me how much i have changed and how i look so different all the time. i change so much it scares me. who will i possibly be after france? or even after this summer. on a positive note i have made a personal realization. i now understand my future a bit more. i am utterly sure i have to and will pursue acting. whether i make it or not is irrelevant. i have decided i am irreversibly insane. well friends, i now am experiencing cramps the size of katrina. running + cramps = the most intense pain ever felt. i will never birth a child. Current Mood: sore Current Music: glasgow

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June 13th, 2006

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June 10th, 2006

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June 5th, 2006

08:42 am - holy shit. last night was insane as usual. the second we got to the pub we jumped on stage. i was a sober as ever but it never feels like it. lol we met mollys friends, danced, sang, made out with some gay boys then finally went home..... stopping to let molly pee in city park. then i got stuck outside of my house without a key. AND amazingly ALLLL of our phones stopped working and i couldnt call mal. i tried to use my goddamn twin telepathy but FUCK THAT. i had to ring the FUCKING DOORBELL. thank god mal finally woke up and not my parents. i got maybe 2 hours of sleep. now im at work. shit i gotta do work. BYE ps. everyone must go to 80s night thursday. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: GAH i need music. i hate silence

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